That is what lay between my aunt and I for years after I answered the call to ministry. I knew that it was because the idea had been planted in her mind that I condemned her, because she was a lesbian and I was a pastor in the United Methodist Church. The distance hurt both of us, but I did not know how to fix it. The pain of potential rejection blinded this pioneer of women in the film industry to the fact that I too was walking a path difficult for women. Meanwhile, the pain of what felt like her rejection made the tears trap the words like a lump in my throat, incapacitating me from communicating to her how I really felt.
That is until she lay dying of cancer.
When the cancer attacked her body, it was not the first time that it had come knocking, but it would be the last. I found myself driving across the state of Pennsylvania as often as I could to visit her. My congregation in Lancaster was incredibly supportive and prayed persistently for her and for me. The loving families of the church made sure I knew that I was not alone.
The ice began to break when I visited her in July, before I went to spend a few weeks in South Africa. I remember sitting in her garden while she still had strength; taking a walk at night to look out over Mount Washington as she told me her story; and getting scolded by her partner Ana for letting her exert too much energy – but really there was no stopping her, there never was.
On my last visit, after returning from South Africa, I visited her in the hospital daily, bringing her a different gift each day. A large blue beaded bracelet that hung loosely from what had once been her muscular forearm. A lamb made out of beads – like her name, Amy K. Lamb. On the last day, I brought her a rainbow pin, made of beads at a hospice near Durban, South Africa. I had purchased three, and began handing them around. One for my aunt, one for her partner, and one more for them to give to a friend. “No,” she said, handing it back to me. “This one is yours.”
Of course it was.
And that’s when I knew- that she understood. That she knew that I did love her and did accept her and did support her.
That was the last time I saw her.
She insisted that I be the only one to lead her funeral. Not everyone understood why, but I did. It did not have anything to do with family politics or favoritism. Suddenly there was so much to say to me, but no time left to say it. It was the only way she had left of communicating something huge that we no longer had the luxury of time to tell one another.
She wanted me to know that she understood how hard what I am doing is. That she supported me. That she trusted me to do the right thing.
So I climbed up in the pulpit of my friend Sue Hutchin’s church in Pittsburgh, and I addressed the largest crowd I had ever stood in front of, film producers and Pittsburgh Steelers, all there to honor their beloved Amy. And I told her story, every beautiful bit of it.
Silence between us had returned in her physical absence, but it was a comforting silence rather than the silence of distance. It was a silence that spoke everything that needed to be said.
She is still trusting me to do the right thing.
I have served rural congregations and urban congregations; and every single place where I have gone, in every single county and country, the families of those “Family Churches” knew and loved people who were LGBTQ and were looking for the space to love them and support them. And they are not alone.
To the United Methodist Church: please change your stance. I do not want my stole and my collar, my credentials and my calling, to continue to be the cause of her suffering or anyone else’s. I do not want this to be the only ceremony I could give for her.
-Rev. Hannah Adair Bonner
2 thoughts on “Silence”
SANCTUARY IN THE SILENCE! Thanks as always, Hannah. We miss you in EPA. Blessings,Bunnie
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Tab®4
Thank you so much for this article, Rev. Bonner. I’m bisexual and my sister is United Methodist. During a phone conversation with her after the Supreme Court’s decision affirming marriage equality I commented on how happy I was that two of my gay friends could now get married in my adopted state of Texas. When she told me she didn’t believe in gay marriage the pain I felt was like she had punched me or stabbed me.
Later that day our dying mother and I had our last real conversation via phone. Much of the pain was erased when my mother expressed her happiness over marriage equality. Much of it, but not all. Hopefully the United Methodist Church will change its views on marriage equality and gay civil rights. Then my sister may change her views. Until that happens there will always be a certain distance between us and a deep pain felt on my part.
We need ministers like you working from within to change the church’s view. Bless you and bless you for the work you are doing for justice for Sandy Bland!